Things to Know When Dealing With PMS
by MandaB
Summary: Sirius and James learn just how bad PMS can be. Please R&R.


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I'm sorry ok? One day I'll learn to shut up. Especially when its that time of month…but until then I'm back with this helpful guide, so that men everywhere will know what NOT to do and things you MUST do. **I wish they had this for us when we went through it Padfoot. **I know Prongs, but at least now others won't be traumatized.

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1. Do NOT under any circumstance, even JOKE that your girlfriend/wife/best friend has PMS. Results will vary, but most result in pain inflicted upon the person suggesting it by the person it is being suggested about. (Note that sharp objects hurt more than blunt, but both hurt either way.)

The three Potters, Sirius Black, and his girlfriend Bella had all decided on vacation together in the Smoky Mountains. It was Christmas time, and unfortunately for the boys, it was also **that time** for the girls. And the boys, not knowing this started joking around at the girls foul moods.

It was after dinner one night, and little Harry had just been put to bed. The four adults were planning on watching a movie, but James and Sirius could not pick one. The girls started to get more and more irritated at the boys arguments, before Lily finally lost it. "For God's sake James you two are grown men! Pick a bloody movie and put it in the VCR!" Lily shouted. "I totally agree with Lily. The both of you are acting as if you were Harry's age!" Bella agreed, who was just as agitated as Lily. "Geez, what's your problem? Do you have PMS or something?" James asked Lily grumpily. Apparently, this was the wrong thing to say. For as soon as James's back was turned, Sirius barely had enough time to duck before a couch pillow flew by his head.

"James my boy, that was the wrong thing to say. Besides they can't help it if they're on the rag." Sirius laughed at his friend. This too seemed to be the wrong thing to say because a video case was thrown at Sirius by Bella. "Hey that corner hurt!" Sirius cried out. "Well cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it!" Bella exclaimed as she and Lily went to make some popcorn.

2. It does not matter if you are a wizard and the woman is a witch. If she asks you to get her some Midol or Pamprin, DO IT. FAST. Asking questions about why she wants muggle pills instead of a spell only results in more thrown objects.

"Sirius will you please do me a favor?" Bella asked sweetly the next morning. "What is it Bella?" he asked her, wondering what it could be. "Well you see, they keep medical items at the main building of this resort. Could you please go ask them for some Midol and Pamprin for me and Lily?" she asked. "Why do you want muggle medicine Bella? You're a witch, can't you just cast a spell for cramps to go away?" James asked his wife and Bella. "Because I want muggle medicine." Lily answered. "But I don't want to walk all the way down to the main building." James replied turning back toward the television. Sirius and Harry were on the couch, and the boys were watching a football game. Of course, this just made Lily angry. "James!" Lily yelled, along with a string of bad words causing Sirius to cover baby Harry's ears. "Lily! Remember the child!" Sirius cried as Harry giggled, thinking it was a game. This only caused Lily to glare harder. "Fine! James you freaking mongoose lover! Go get me my pills NOW!" Lily screamed at him. James and Sirius were off of the couch, and out the door before the stuffed mongoose toy of Harry's had the time to hit them.

3. This time of the month seems to have an effect of the said females strength. You know that 50lb. object she could never lift, let alone throw? She can now. So watch it.

By the morning of day two, even with all of the midol, the girls were very agitated. The slightest things were setting them off. "James why is this suitcase of Harry's toys not in his room?" Lily asked James dangerously. "Because when we were bringing things in from the car, it was very heavy so I just left it there." "Well could you please move it?" Lily asked him. "After the game Lils." James said, never taking his eyes from the screen. At this point, James should have turned and looked, because Lily had picked up the suitcase and hurled it at his lap. It landed on his legs with a loud thud and a cry of "Oomph!" from James. "How bout now James. Can you move it now?!" Lily asked him. Rather than speak, James smartly just nodded and carried the suitcase to Harry's room.

4. Keep chocolate close by. And don't even think that Bertie Bott's beans, the chocolate flavored ones, are good enough. Either Honeydukes or, you guessed it, more flying objects.

"Sirius, I want some chocolate." Bella told him, that afternoon. "But Bella you hate chocolate." Sirius told her. "I don't care, I want some now." Bella commanded. "Well we have some chocolate flavored Bertie Bott's in the kitchen." Sirius told her, he and James still trying to watch their football game. "Sirius I don't want Bertie Bott's, I want some Honeydukes chocolate." "Bella, I'm trying to watch the game. Besides, Honeydukes is back in England, we're in the states. They don't have Honeydukes here." Sirius told his girlfriend, starting to get annoyed. "Sirius Orion Black if you ever want to sleep in the bed again, you will apparate your sorry arse to Honeydukes and get me some chocolate NOW!" Bella cried. From the kitchen Lily yelled, "James! That goes the same for you! If you ever want the chance for Harry to have a sibling you will go now!" Both men apparated to Honeydukes before either girl would have a chance to throw anything. With Lily being in the kitchen, you couldn't be too careful.

5. Random mood swings are perfectly normal. Crying, then anger, then hilarious laughter, followed by crying are to be expected. Do not be afraid. Just sit there, let her have her mood swings, and pat her back if needed.

That night, the two couples were each laying on a couch just talking. When the conversation came to a lull, Bella asked Sirius an innocent question. "Siri, do you think I'm fat?" Sirius's eyes got big and all he could do was gape like a fish. When he didn't answer, Bella started to cry. "You think I'm fat!" she wailed. "No honey I don't! I think your just as pretty as that muggle actress we seen on the t.v. today!" Sirius exclaimed. At this Bella immediately stopped crying and got red in the face. "Oh, so you think she's pretty?! Well why don't you go stay with her then!" she burst out angrily. "What?! Bella no I love you!" Sirius exclaimed. Bella giggled. "Sirius, your so funny when your nervous." Sirius's eyes went huge. "Bella what are you doing, trying to screw with my head?!" he exclaimed. Bella then began to cry again. "I'm sorry your mad at me Sirius." she sniffled. Sirius just put his arms around her and let her get it out. He was afraid of what she may do next, so he just stayed quiet.

6. If she decides to wear sweatpants and an old t-shirt of yours, make no comments. She is beautiful no matter what, or else the random mood swings will again start to happen.

The next day, the girls decided to just stay in their outfits of gray sweatpants and a t-shirt from their respective mate. When James asked the girls why they looked as if they were about to paint Hogwarts, Lily started to cry. "James, do you think I'm ugly?" "Lily of course I don't! I think you look wonderful." James rushed to explain. "Oh so I don't look pretty all the time?!" Lily asked, getting angry. James, sensing that he was about to repeat the same episode that Bella and Sirius had the night before quickly headed it off. "No Lily you are gorgeous all of the time, no matter what you wear or if you have make-up or anything. I love you for you." James told her. Lily again started to cry and James just held her, as Sirius did the night before with Bella, thanking God to have avoided her mood swings.

7. Be prepared to be accused of everything and anything, and to realize, most with shock, that she knows more of your dirty secret than your friends. Bribery is not below you at this point. Its not.

"You know what I want right now?" Lily told James. "No.." he answered cautiously, "what do you want?" "Well in the muggle town where I grew up, they had this store that sold amazing ice cream sundaes. Would you go get me one?" Lily asked James. "Lily you grew up in Surrey! I can't go there!" James exclaimed to her. "Why not? You cheated on me didn't you?! And that…that…hoochie lives there doesn't she?!" Lily accused James. "What?! Lils no! I can't go there because its one a.m.!" James told her. "James Harold Potter, you will go get me that sundae or I will tell everyone about the time when you were eight and you wore a superman cape and jumped out of your bedroom window thinking you could fly without your broom!" Lily threatened. James quickly made the deal with Lily that he would get her sundae if she swore not to tell anyone. They checked with Bella and Sirius and soon the two men were back from Surrey, a sundae in each of their hands.

8. Do not pretend that you know how much pain she is in, or have even come close to feeling that type of pain. She will argue her case, and win. Dear God, how she will win.

"Oh my God, these cramps are killing me!" Bella exclaimed as she and Lily lay on the couches watching the television. "I know Bella." James answered from doing the dishes. "You do not even possibly know what this feels like." Lily answered James moodily. "Lily we know pain just as well as you do. Ever got yourself caught in a zipper?!" Sirius asked. "Have you ever got yourself caught in the zipper?" Lily mocked. "Obviously not, but have you ever tried to squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon?!" The boys' eyes went wide with horror. "I didn't think so. Now bring me some more midol and a pillow!" Both boys rushed to get the requested items for Lily, and Bella just to be safe.

9.You are her willing slave. No questions, no arguments. You will do each task with joy that you may serve her. Even if it means going shopping for certain **items**. To do otherwise is to risk more harm to your person.

"James? Will you please run to the store for me?" Lily asked her husband sweetly. "You too Sirius, please?" Bella asked pitifully. After everything that had already happened, getting out to go to the store sounded like pure bliss for the boys. "Sure sweetie. You need more chocolate?" Sirius asked Bella, making sure she had enough pillows. "Actually, honey, I need tampons." Bella told him. "And I need pads." Lily added. At this statement, the boys nearly choked as their eyes went as big as dinner plates.

"Lily, you..you can't be serious?" James stuttered. "Are you calling me a liar?!" Lily asked, her mood starting dangerously to swing. "No honey no!" James cried quickly. "Good. I need you to make sure you get Kotex Maxi Pads, ultra thin with wings. Got that?" Lily asked her husband, her good mood coming back slowly. James just nodded. "And Sirius I need you to make sure you get Tampax Pearl Tampon Super Absorbancy Gentle Glide." Bella told him patiently. "Yes Bella." Sirius told her, not wanting a response from his girlfriend like the one James got from Lily.

Within ten minutes the boys had pulled their car into a Meijer parking lot. They walked in and headed toward the feminine hygiene aisle. When they got there, they saw two other men already there. As they entered the aisle, the guys already their looked at them sympathetically. "Girlfriends?" one of the guys asked. Sirius just nodded and James replied, "Wife." The two guys shook their heads, and together the four started their quest. When the four found what they needed, they bought 12 packs of each, never wanting to enter that aisle again. "Well look at it this way." said the second guy, "At least if they need these….things…we know they aren't pregnant." While the other three agreed, they still never wanted to enter this part of the store again.

10. Women have what we call selective memory. When her time is over, she will forget all things wrong that she has done, and for you to even bring them up is insanity. In her mind they never happened and to argue your case is pointless. (Note: Never mention to her however about her selective memory. Results may vary if you do mention it, but its all bad in the end. Trust me.)

The boys were both very thankful to wake up on Christmas morning to find the girls in good moods. At breakfast they found out that their time of hell was over, and that life would be returning to normal. "Thank God!" Sirius exclaimed. "You girls were nightmares!" James nodded in agreement. "What are you two talking about? No we weren't, we just lied around watching t.v." Lily exclaimed. "Are you kidding me?!" Sirius exclaimed. "First off, I do NOT appreciated objects flying at my head!" Sirius started. James nodded in agreement as Sirius continued. "Second of all, I would like to be able to ask a simple question without worry about flying stuffed animals! And how come you only get this bionic woman stuff when your on your period?! Where was it when Bella and I moved?! And these trips to England just because you want a certain type of food, IS NOT FAIR! You shouldn't get special treatment just because your in pain. We don't! Someone please tell me what is up with the mood swings?! I was afraid to open my mouth! And wear whatever you want, its just a shock that you want to wear our old clothes, and we are allowed to be shocked. The random accusing of us cheating on you was just plain wrong, and if I ever have to enter that part of ANY store again, there better be a very VERY good reason for it." Sirius finished. James had nodded in agreement throughout Sirius's entire rant, but now that he seen Lily and Bella's faces, he quit nodding very quickly.

"Is that really how you feel Sirius?" Bella asked. Sirius nodded his head. "Well we're sorry." Lily replied. "Really?" Sirius asked in amazement. It couldn't be that easy. "Why sure." Lily replied. "We'll be sure that the next time your bleeding for a week with death cramps you get special treatment too." Bella replied. Sirius just gaped like a fish as the girls continued opening gifts with Harry, as if the past week had never happened.

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So you see, Prongs and I took pity on all men and wrote this little guide.

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Yeah just don't tell Lils, I think its that time again and this probably wouldn't make her very happy.

Yeah there might be more flying objects…

A/N: Well? I just want to say that my cousin Suaru-chan contributed to this story and that number five is dedicated to her. Leave me a review and let me know what you think!  
Lotta love,  
MandaB


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